Communication & Problem Solving

With a healthy marriage comes arguments, fights, communication, and problem solving. Myself and many others believe that proper and effective communication can either make or break your marriage. It is the most important aspect of a relationship because good communication can extinguish unrealistic expectations and avoid petty arguments. Poor communication can leave issues unresolved and allow anger to be pent up inside of you. Good communication can clear the air in just a few shorts minutes and avoid a weeks worth of stress and hurt feelings. I can't say enough about good and bad communication and how important it is in your relationship and marriage, especially as you grow you family and your focus is no longer solely on your spouse. 

In class this week, we discussed a listening model that can help you improve your listening and problem solving skills, especially with your spouse. It is called the "5 Secrets of Effective Communication: EAR" and breaks down different aspects of listening:

E= empathy

• The Disarming Technique- find some truth in what the other person is saying, even if it seems unreasonable or unfair
• Empathy- put yourself in the others shoes, try to see from their perspective
• Inquiry- ask gentle questions to try and learn more about what the other person is thinking or feeling

A= assertiveness

• "I Feel" Statements- expressing your feelings in a direct way, use "I feel" instead of things like "You did..." or "You're making me..."

R= respect

• Stroking- have an attitude of respect even if you're frustrated or angry, find something gentle and positive to say to the other person

When problems arise, communication is so crucial in deciding what is to happen next. Using the model outlined and pictured above can help you talk through things with your spouse. If the two of you both strive to follow this model, then your communication will be healthy and beneficial. On the other hand and to know what to avoid and look for in you/your spouse, here are some aspects of poor communication:

• "You" directives (basically the opposite of "I Feel" statements
• Personal attacks
• Disregarding or invalidating feelings
• Selfish solutions
• Sarcasm and passive-aggressiveness

Don't be afraid to look for these in yourself and correct them if they are there. If two individuals are arguing or talking about issues in their marriage like this, then nothing will be resolved. It will create further tension and stress that will overflow into aspects of your daily lives. It will flow into your relationship with your children, into your work life/relationships, into extended family, etc. You both will be looking for an emotional out because you feel that you can't go to one another to express feelings and receive validation without starting a fight. Poor communication between you two can lead to greater problems such as fidelity. Now I'm not saying that every relationship that has a lack of communication will be doomed or will end in an affair, but it can begin a slippery slope of relationship issues that can be hard to stop. 

This whole post has been about good/poor communication but that is because of its importance in a relationship and marriage. Without it, problems can quickly arise, unrealistic expectations will be set and not met, and much more. Remember: the key to a healthy marriage is open, honest, and selfless communication. If each party in a relationship strives to put the other first, then problems can be solves quickly and their relationship can and will flourish.