Fatherhood

Fathers have a very unique and important role in starting and raising a family. As members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we believe that fathers have 3 crucial aspects of their role. We classify them as the 3 P's. They are to protect, provide and preside. These are the divine roles that Heavenly Father encourages fathers to participate in, where possible. Decades ago, the world had very similar traditional values where the mother stayed at home to care for the children while the father was the bread winner and provided for his family. Nowadays in 2021, those traditional values are slipping away as gender roles are blending, there are more single parent households (single mothers), and fathers are staying at home more often. Now don't get me wrong, I really think that a family should do whatever works best for them and their circumstances, even if that breaks from conservative traditional roles. But this week we discussed the importance of a father in the household and in his children's lives and what the benefits/disadvantages are. 

Below is a talk given by one of the General Authorities of our church, Elder D. Todd Christofferson, titled "Fathers."

Fathers by Christofferson

After studying this article, there were five main points that I found to be the most important.

1. Fathers are fundamental in the divine plan of happiness- without fathers, a mother cannot bear a child. Procreation is essential in the plan of happiness so that other Spirit sons and daughters of Heavenly Father get the chance to come to this Earth to progress, learn, and grow
2. Fathers are unique and irreplaceable- the presence of a father in the home and in his children's lives is unlike any other. A male, presiding presence allows for emotional growth and stability, etc. 
3. Fatherhood exposes men to their own weaknesses and their need to improve- young men are independent and like to do things for themselves. They like to be selfish, and that isn't always a bad thing. But as they become fathers, they learn to put that selfishness aside and to love and care for their children and family more than themselves, and more than they ever thought they could. 
4. Fathers are to help shape their children, and children want a model- fathers are to be an example to their children. An example of how to lead, love, and be self sufficient. Children look up to their fathers, they are their own personal superhero. They both can learn an incredible amount from each other and shape each other into the people they are. 
5. There is no shame for those who cannot fulfill all duties and responsibilities of a father- fathers may feel an intense spout of shame and guilt for not being able to live up to society's expectations for them. They may not be able to reach the same potential that their own father did, but please know that any and all of your efforts are seen and appreciated.

As for my own personal experience with my father, our relationship has been quite the roller coaster. As I child I remember him mean and grumpy. My siblings and I knew not to bother him right when he got home from work, if he was working outside or in the garage, or if he was shaving in the morning. We could easily read him and figure out what kind of mood he was in. There were plenty of good memories though and he could be really fun. He took us on several trips during the summers, ones we looked forward too every year. Whether that was to the water park, to Utah to visit his family, or to Chuck E. Cheeses a few towns over, we knew that was our special time with Dad. 

Something else we noticed about Dad was that he was emotionally closed off. He didn't talk about things that made him sad or angry, in fact he didn't talk at all in situations like that. He usually left. He would leave to go spend some time alone and think things through and then would be home a few hours later with no explanation and like everything was normal. This carried into his relationship with my mother, which resulted in him moving in and out of our home whenever they got into a major fight. He would be in our home for a few months, they would get into this huge argument, and then he would hurry and pack his things and move out in just a few hours, or my mom would take us kids and move into the next open rental we could find. Our relationship quickly turned cold and distant. I hated weekends at his apartment and I didn't like when he moved back in. I knew the cycle would occur over and over again and I was sick of it. Then, when my mom got really sick, things got better and he was around more. The fighting stopped because they both realized there wasn't much time left for fighting and leaving. I slowly let him in again. And then after her death, he became our primary care taker. It was slow to let him completely in, and we still aren't very close, but our relationship has gotten way better, we communicate our feelings, and we've moved forward from our past. 

Through my father and his relationship with my mother, I've learned what kind of man I want my husband to be and what qualities I would like to avoid. I hope that the father of my children is different than my father was. I'm not saying he's a terrible person and father, but I would never want to relive those experiences but this time in the position of my mother.